Lately, I have been catching myself saying a lot of things like "I can't do X" or "I'm not the type of person that can Y" or "I am so bad with Z." I know I've been saying it my whole life, but I never really thought about what I was telling myself when I said it. For instance, "I cannot run." Well that's bullshit. If something scary was chasing me, I'd hightail it out of there in a hurry. Hell, I ran 800m just yesterday, albeit slowly. So I have decided, from now on, I will follow those sentences with "yet."

yet
adverb
\'yet\
up to now
so far

It's such a simple word. I mean, it's only three letters. One syllable can change the entire meaning of a sentence from a defeatist whine to something optimistic and damn near defiant.

I can't run well.
I can't run well yet.

I am not the type of person to play sports.
I am not the type of person to play sports yet.

I can't believe it was that simple. Simple, by the way, does not mean easy. Simple can sometimes be the most difficult solution possible.

And now, I leave you with today's meditation.

“Remember that happiness is a way of travel, not a destination.”

Warning: This post contains a whole hell of a lot of minutae that most people won't care about, but I wanted to get it out of my head. I also want a place to look back later and see my progress. If you're interested, read on. If you want the Cliffs Notes versions, scroll down to the bottom of each section.

( Thoughts on fitness, nutrition, and general healthy type stuff )

( Thinky thoughts on people, love, affection, and loneliness )

In summary, I am happier and healthier and I am excited to see what I am becoming. For now, I leave you with my meditation for today.

"Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising every time we fail."
-Confucius

which are better than stinky thoughts.

This weekend was awesome. I finished my motorcycle certification course even though some of the maneuvering was actually pretty difficult. I couldn't get a few things down but I kept going and ended up getting an awesome score on my final evaluation.

Monday was another winning day. After an overload of family drama, I finally made good healthy choices for myself. I removed myself from the situation and, instead of seeking the comfort of food or the oblivion of booze, I went to the gym and did a pretty good job. I had to do 100 sit ups which are really hard for me. I wanted to give up before I started. It definitely took a lot to push through the exercise, but I eventually managed to row 1200m and do all the reps for the sit ups, dead lifts, and I even ran the last 200m which is a lot for me since running is hard. After the gym, I went to Sprouts and loaded up on awesome food and spent two hours in the kitchen. I cut up a ton of zuccini, mushrooms, asparagus, and bell peppers and roasted them. I chopped up some kale, sliced strawberries, and tossed them with some red onion, bell peppers, and a raspberry walnut vinaigrette. I also cooked up some apple chicken sausage, boiled beets, and even made homemade jerky! It turned out great and I can't wait to tweak the marinade recipe and start again. For the rest of the week, I have a half leg of lamb to throw in the crock pot, tilapia, and pork chops with spaghetti squash, more asparagus, spinach, and sweet potatoes. I plan to have enough summer berry kale salad and jerky to bring to faire with me this weekend.

Today I've been productive at work and I still have time to study and be prepared for my Spanish class. I've also decided to drop my English class. My choices were to stay up late and stress over English for a few weeks and let my Spanish, workouts, and health suffer or I could drop English, study more for Spanish, and enjoy my time and have a few nights off per week to be a bum. I chose sanity and I feel damn proud.

These recent awesome events have been brought to you by my Pandora stations, my ever handy santoku, the letter B, the color orange, and the following video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1sElYG7LmUU

That's about what I feel like during every single CrossFit workout.

I hope everyone is having an awesome week!

-Jo

So I've been having a recurring theme in my daydreams involving pillow forts. Only this time, it's an epic pillow fort party. I have spent most of today dreaming up an awesome party. All I need to do is steal a friend's house for a day. He has the most amazing HUGE empty living room. He also has a backyard that is to die for with multiple layers of decks and a pool. So here's my plan...

Everybody bring your own couch cushions and pillows. We spend the afternoon building an epic pillow fort in the living room. I mean EPIC! Then once the sun sets, we string a big white sheet from the trees and project old cartoons and bad movies. We spend the rest of the night hanging out in the pool and on the decks with a keg of beer and some BBQ.

Is that so wrong?

*sigh*

Someday I will have a house big enough for my entertaining dreams.

Reasons I know my roommate is from outer space:

#1 - After recommending Eddie Izzard's Dress to Kill after she said she wanted to watch stand up, she watched 20 minutes and turned it off and said it wasn't funny.

#2 - She is currently playing Trivial Pursuit and her last question involved the following, "What Star Wars villain wielded a two-sided light saber and was killed by Obi-Wan Kenobi?" and she said "Who would know that?"

Outer. Space.

In her defense, she pays her rent early, her bills on time, and she is very nice.

Only she's from outer space.

Seriously.

The bright and supple
berry yields to the pressure
of my tongue and comes.

( Insomnia Induced Thinkiness )

In defense of an excellent group, Awake My Soul by Mumford and Sons is a beautiful song on an amazing album. I highly recommend it to anyone. Also, despite the tone of my thoughts, I'm not terribly melancholy at the moment. I am, in fact, simply thoughtful. That is all. I'm not really feeling much of anything and that is refreshing and quite alright for now. I am glad to be getting away from the familiarity of both Austin and Dallas for a few days and going where there are no expectations.

This year, in no particular order if importance, I will:

Dance frequently
Create and perfect a new recipe
Sing karaoke
Watch live theatre
Cook at least one meal per week from scratch with local ingredients
Have an unnatural hair color
Get a tattoo
Take care of my car
Laugh often
Make friends that bring out the best in me
Avoid people that bring out the worst
Have a dinner party
Travel to a city I've never been to before
Go camping
Play in an ocean
Read at least one book per month (textbooks don't count) (correction: textbooks for classes in which I am currently enrolled do not count)

All of these small goals are just steps in the larger goal: to become a better version of myself. At the end of 2011, I want to like myself more than I did at the end of 2010. That is my resolution.

What would you like for lunch?
I don't know.

What are you up to this weekend?
I don't know.

Have any plans for the new year?
I don't know.

How are you doing?
I don't know.

This seems to be my answer for most everything nowadays. I am indecisive, easily puzzled, and generally confused. I feel like I'm walking around in a confused fog most of the time and I think my fog lights are out. There are very few questions I can answer with confidence, and even those I tend to second guess later. At the moment, I know what I am doing for dinner. I don't know whether to run errands before or after or whether to go grab a beer after or go to bed early. But dinner is decided and it feels good. I wonder if you can rent someone to make decisions in your stead during times of emotional discombobulation...

In the meantime, I guess I'll focus on the facts. I am healthy. I have a roof over my head. And I am loved by some very cool people. Of those things I'm sure, and I guess that can be enough for now.

I have been pondering the concept of names and such since I decided to do the whole marriage thing. I would like some other opinions.

Did/Would you/your significant other change your name if/when you married? Did/Would you expect/request them to change their name? Why or why not?

-Jo